106. Special Episode: Axlar-Björn Pétursson is Executed for Serial Murder, Snæfellsnes Peninsula, Iceland 1596

This is the rendition of Axlar-Björn that appears on one of the informative plaques on Snæfellsnes; there is also a large pile of rocks in the area, which is the last remaining of three piles under which pieces of Axlar-Björn’s body were buried, all far apart so that he could not come back. I have some quarrel with this picture, though, because Axlar-Björn did not stalk the countryside with his axe; he waited till you came by his house, and then killed you and took all your stuff. If you stayed at your house, you were safe.

There’s not a lot of murder in Iceland — there was a disconcerting spike in the number of homicides last year, 8 altogether — so, obviously, there aren’t a lot of murderers. And none of the murderers of Iceland are serial killers. With one exception.  In the last part of the 16th century, not long after Iceland had been forced to institute the death penalty for capital crimes (this was Denmark’s idea), Axlar-Björn Pétursson, who lived out on the west coast, on the Snæfellsnes Peninsula, murdered lots of people who came by his farm looking for work, and became Iceland’s one and only serial killer. And then, on account of the death penalty part, didn’t get to just go be an exiled outlaw. Besides the details, such as they are, of Axlar-Björn’s crimes, Anne is quite taken by Snæfellsnes and its eco-tourism, and Michelle, though she appreciates the folk-tale quality of the whole story, really wants to let us all know about Jón Árnason, the eminent Icelandic folk tale collector, because he was a self-taught scholar who is deserving of high honor, and Michelle does admire scholars who get lots done on a budget.

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105. St. Adalbert of Prague is Martyred, Truso, Poland 997

Here we see the very annoyed pagan Balts killing St. Adalbert, who will be sanctified within a couple of years. This is one of the 18 panels on the doors on the Gniezno Cathedral in Poland. Where St. Adalbert’s relics might be. Or not. It depends on whether the Bohemians got the right ones when they raided the cathedral. But are they St. Adalbert’s bones? Cause what if he was actually killed in Königsberg/Kalingrad?

Adalbert of Prague wanted very much to go Christianize the Prussians, but they were just not having it, so they hacked him up and cut his head off, and that is why he is a Saint, with an enormous number of churches around the globe dedicated to him. Anne spends time thinking about what was the snack that we are told Adalbert and his companions were eating before the murder, and Michelle considers the recently discovered account of Adalbert that is older than the one we had, although really what she’s interested in is St. Bruno of Querfurt, the Second Apostle to the Prussians, who admired Adalbert so much that he went off to the Balkans just like his hero, and got slaughtered in Lithuania. Michelle’s quite taken by the fact that nobody really outside of Poland pays any attention to Bruno. Alas.

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104. Special Episode: Abd Allah ibn Ali invites the Umayyades to a Banquet and Slaughters Them, Palestine 750

Soon after the Abbasids conquered the Umayyades, they moved the capital to Baghdad, which they built, and established a dynasty that included science, poetry, philosophy — and great feasting, such as we see here. It’s important to note that in the case of this illustration, some centuries after the supposed banquet with the Umayyades in Palestine, the guests are not being used as a table.

Usually our special episodes move out of our 1000 year time zone, but for this one we stay in the middle ages and move off of the European continent, to one of the incidents in the fall of the Umayyad caliphate and the rise of the Abbasid caliphate, a blood feast! We haven’t had one of those for a while, and we were very excited, but then we did our due diligence and discovered that it probably didn’t happen. That is, the Umayyades were slaughtered, alright, but probably not at a banquet where they got clubbed to near death after hearing insulting poetry, and then served as banquet tables when rugs got thrown over them while they finished dying and the Abbasides kept eating. No. Probably not. Sorry.

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103. Pino III Ordelaffi Poisons a Whole Lot of People, Forli, Northern Italy, 1463-1480

This bust of Pino III Ordelaffi, created during Ordelaffi’s lifetime by  Francesco di Simone Ferrucci, is held at Musei di San Domenico, and you can go see it. If it offers you lunch, politely refuse.

From the 12th century to Renaissance, the Ordelaffi family ruled the commune of Forli, in Northern Italy. On and off. Also, on and off again. When they weren’t fighting others for the commune — Florence, the Emperor, the Pope — they were fighting each other, and in 1376, poison became a favorite weapon, when Sinibaldi I Ordelaffi poisoned first his uncle and then his cousin, so that he could have Forli. He’s not even our protagonist, though, because we lit, for this episode, on Pino III Ordelaffi, who started poisoning wives, a sibling, and his mom, and is therefore sort of iconic in the history of Ordelaffi badnesses. Michelle loved this episode, cause she got to learn all about poison in medieval and Renaissance Italy. She will tell you all about it.

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102. William de Burgh Starves his Cousin Walter to Death, Greencastle, Ulster 1332

Here we may see the lovely Northburgh Castle, in Greencastle, where William de Burgh starved his cousin Walter to death on account of Walter was opposing him in some plan he had concerning Ulster. Northburgh would have looked much better in 1332, as, obviously, it would be very easy to escape from, in its current condition. (Photo by Von Radosław Botev – Eigenes Werk, Attribution, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=3934661)

William Donn de Burgh, the 3rd Earl of Ulster, was, alas, not so great at being the Earl of Ulster. Starving his cousin Walter Liath de Burgh to death led to Walter’s sister Gylle (also of course a cousin of William’s) getting her husband to have him murdered. And then, the whole succession problem — there were several cousins wandering around, and William’s heir was a girl, and that was right out — led to the Burke Civil War. What with one thing and another, though the de Burghs married into the Plantagenets and so became ancestors of the English royal family, they were also instrumental in causing Lots of Problems for England, in their attempt to keep Ireland under control, so their contribution to history is sorta vexed. Michelle is somewhat distressed by the lack of historical fiction about these people, but greatly mollified by the idea of touring Carrickfergus.

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101. Defenestrations of Prague, Prague, Bohemia 1419, 1483, 1618

In this lovely illustration of the first defenestration of Prague (c.1900, Adolf Liebscher) we think you can figure out why the defenestrated persons of this episode did not survive.

Humans have been throwing each other out of windows pretty much as long as humans have had windows more than one story or so off the ground, but only Prague is famous for them. Two of them actually led to wars, even. We are very happy to tell you about the famous defenestrations, wherin all sorts of officials got thrown out of windows, and Michelle is happy to tell you about the tourist trade. Oh, and also Susan Howe’s poem “Defenestration of Prague,” which is, of course, about Ireland. Because metaphors. 

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100. Retrospective: Our Favorites of the Past 100 Episodes

Here’s your hint as to the winner of the Best Episodes According To Us contest. In this early 20th century painting by Newell Convers Wyeth, King Edward I is getting ready to invade Scotland. Because he says it’s his.

It’s Episode 100! So we both went through the episodes we’ve published so far, to pick our favorites.  Out of them, we picked three apiece, and then, as a grand winner, the one that turned up on both of our lists — not the highest favorite of either of us, but pretty damn beloved.  We explain why they all made the cut. And had a lot of fun, remembering them. Here’s to the next 100! We do have a pretty long list to see us through. it’s a 1000 years and an entire continent, and people behave badly lots of the time. Works for us.

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99. Juliane de Fontevrault Tries to Kill Her Father (Henry I) With a Crossbow, Normandy 1110

This is just what Juilane looked like when she was trying to kill her father! Except that the clothes here are about 200 years later than she lived. And she would have been aiming down, since she was trying to shoot him over the castle wall. (Smithfield Decretals 1300, 1340 f.43, British Library)

It was unusual for medieval women to kill their fathers, and especially unusual for them to use crossbows to do it. Juliane de Fontrevault tried both, but she missed King Henry I, who was at the time besieging her castle in Normandy. There had been an altercation, you see, which led to a major hostage failure, wherein Juliane’s husband Eustace blinded the young hostage sent to Henry, and Henry blinded and cut the noses off the two girls sent to him as hostages. Who were his grandchildren, by the way. Eventually Henry forgave both Juliane and Eustace; Eustace got to keep a castle and Juliane got to go to Fontevrault Abbey, which was at that time all shiny and new, and her daughters got to go with her. So! It all turned out really well! A happy family story. You’re welcome.

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98. April Fool’s Episode: Debunking the Chastity Belt

The early 15th century manual of military technology, Bellifortis, contains a passage on the chastity belt, and this illuminating sketch of what one would look like. So! Obviously the chastity belt existed then, and probably centuries earlier, since the crusader knights had to lock their women up ! Except, no. The chastity belt here is an hilarious joke. Really hilarious. No, really.

There were not, in the Middle Ages, any chastity belts. They did not exist. Really, they didn’t. They show up later, when enlighted ages say that they were used in the Middle Ages. Then, enlightened ages invented them, and now you can buy them on Amazon. Michelle explains how we know they didn’t exist, and how they got invented, and why the later ages that invented them said the Middle Ages did it. Anne, on the other hand, had a lot of fun researching the state of chastity belts now. Oh, and that hacking episode. Pro tip: don’t attach your private parts to the internet.

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97. Galeazzo Maria Sforza, the Duke of Milan, is Assassinated, Milan, Duchy of Milan 1476

Galeazzo Maria Sforza is 15 in this painting from 1459 — it’s a detail from Benozzo Gozzoli’s “Journey of the Magi.” Later he will be a pretty badly behaved duke, but at the moment he’s been making friends with Lorenzo de’ Medici, who’s only 10. The friendship will serve the Duke well later on, when he becomes badly behaved.

Sometimes when our medieval rulers get assassinated we can see why, and that’s the case for Galeazzo Maria Sforza, who was a very bad sort of person. So, not surprisingly, he got stabbed to death by conspirators. Two of them were out for personal gain, but one was a poet who was, he believed, serving the greater communal good, which charms Anne. We tell you all about Sforza and the assassination, which is, really, the point  of this episode, but the gem of information for Michelle was that one of the churches of Florence got burnt down on account of spectacular stage effects that were really too spectacular.

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