53. St. Brice’s Day Massacre, England November 13, 1002

In this 19th C. interpretation of the St. Brice’s Day Massacre, we see a dramatic representation of an incident which did not happen — the death of Gunhilde, the sister of Sveyn. She didn’t exist. Also, that child getting smashed up at the top of the melee? Not invented till about a century later. But! Danes were killed! Even women and children. Just not these.

King  Æthelred of England really did not have the wherewithal to successfully deal with the Danish/English tension that he had inherited with the throne, which had been caused by Viking raids for about 100 years,  notably established by what the English called The Great Heathen Army, which took over much of England.  Oh, too bad. One solution, he thought, was to kill off all the Danes in England.  This did not work. For one thing, the Danes did not in fact get killed off, though the English did kill some of them — notably in Oxford, where they burnt the church down with Danish settlers gathered inside. For another thing, the Vikings invaded again, not long after the Massacre. The throne of England went back and forth between the English and Danes, after that, for some decades, until, in 1066, the Normans would invade and take everything over, establishing a NEW Viking dynasty, one which spoke French. And liked to write history.

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52. Special Episode: Elizabeth Bathory Commits Serial Murder, Castle of Csejte, Hungary 1590-1610

There was only one contemporary portrait of Elizabeth Bathory, and it was stolen in the 1990’s. This is a copy, which was made about 100 years later. In this painting of her in her youth, it’s obvious that she was quite good looking. Nevertheless. She did not bathe in blood so as to keep her good looks. That got made up some time after her death. Sorry.

(Special Episode — Post-Medieval!) Between 1590 and 1610 (probably), Elizabeth Bathory tortured and killed girls and women (probably).  When all of that got stopped, she was arrested — but never accused — and four of her servants were arrested, tortured, and put on trial.  Three of them were executed, and the last imprisoned for life. Elizabeth was put under house arrest. She was never accused, she never went to trial, and she died of natural causes. What. The. Hell. We discuss the scanty evidence, we discuss the mushrooming of the Stories About Her Horrible Badness, and Michelle’s rabbit hole concerns current tourism in Slovakia, which is making a killing (ha ha) from tours of the ruins of her castle, and selling really dark red wine. Since one of the stories is that she bathed in blood to keep her good looks. She didn’t.  But she was indeed very badly behaved.

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51. Pope Stephen VI is Murdered, Rome, Italy 897

This is not an interpretation of Pope Stephen getting murdered. This is Jean-Paul Laurens’s 1870 interpretation of WHY Pope Stephen got murdered, which is that he held the Cadaver Synod. That’s the former Pope Formosus propped up in the papal throne, wearing papal garb. Next to him is the deacon who is speaking for him. Hands down, the best painting of the Cadaver Synod.

In 897, in Rome, Pope Stephen VI was strangled, in prison.  There. That’s the True Crime. We don’t know who did it — a representative of the people of Rome, we suppose. The interesting part of this crime is not that he got murdered, but why he got murdered. Which was that he had dug up the  7 months dead corpse of a predecessor and put it on trial. In fancy papal garb. With a deacon giving answers to questions, since the dead pope on trial couldn’t do it. We bring you The Cadavar Synod! And Michelle finds musicals. 

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50. Charlemagne Massacres the Saxons, Verden, Lower Saxony 782

Before Charlemagne executed 4,500 Saxon warriors in one day, he had, earlier in the Saxon Wars, destroyed the Irminsul, the sacred World Tree, that was in Teutoburg Forest. He was pretty serious about converting the pagans. (The Saxons fought hard and long, though.) This engraving is from 1882, by Heinrich Leutemann

One day, after the Saxons won one of the many battles in the Saxon Wars, Charlemagne, who was pretty annoyed, ordered the mass execution of 4,500 warriors.  This didn’t really tarnish his golden reputation until the 18th century, when it began to bother people.  We discuss the Saxons, Charlemagne’s reputation, the trouble that the Nazis had in figuring out how to talk about him, and, oddly enough, Christopher Lee and his heavy metal Charlemagne albums. 

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49. Edward I Steals the Stone of Scone, Scone, Scotland 1296

Here, in a remarkably tidy scene, given that it’s all about spoils of war, we see some of Edward’s soldiers loading the Stone of Scone onto a cart, so they can drag it back to London and build a chair over it. (The Scots get it back eventually. On loan. Supposedly.)

Edward I invaded Scotland in 1296, on account of (he said) their broken feudal obligations. Amongst the usual spoils of war — prisoners, horses, weapons, nice gold stuff — he took a rock. Weighing about 335 pounds. We discuss the theft of the Stone of Destiny, and its subsequent history.  Including, to our delight, a 20th century liberation of the Stone, wherein four university students break into Westminster Abbey and take the stone back to Scotland. Then it went back to England.  Now it’s in Scotland again.  It’s a very important rock, really.

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48. Viking Child Murdered, Dublin, Ireland 9th-10th C.

As a true crime subject, our Viking child is problematic: who is he? We don’t know. How did he die? We don’t know. Why did he get thrown in the tidal pool that’s now the back gardens of Dublin Castle? We don’t know. When did this happen? We don’t know. But we know something bad happened. And Michelle gets to talk about archeology and awesome civil disobedience in the service of history.

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47. St. Olga Massacres the Drevlians, Ukraine, 945

From the Radziwill Chronicle of the 15th century, we see the first batch of Drevlian ambassadors, as they are honored by being carried in their boat, through the streets of Kiev, and then thrown, boat and all, into the trench that got dug the night before, where they will be buried alive. This didn’t happen.

The Primary Russian Chronicle tells us much about the revenge that Olga of of the Kievan Rus took on the Drevlians after they killed her husband. And most of it is surely mythological. Entire boatloads of ambassadors being dropped into a trench, dug overnight in the royal hall?  Two groups of ambassadors slaughtered, without the Drevlians getting suspicious?  Flocks of bird set on fire, and then burning a town down? No, no, and no.  However, Anne stands firm on the blood feast, and Michelle stands firm on the idea that the  Primary Russian Chronicle should have been published under its name in direct translation, “Tale of Bygone Years.” It’s true that Olga converted and saved a lot of Christians later,  though, so the saintliness part we are just fine with.

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46. Battle Abbey Forges Charters, Sussex, England mid 12th Century

The Bayeux Tapestry depicts the Norman invasion and the events leading up to it; here King Harold is killed; the arrow was added later to fit a later story. For our purposes, you can imagine that right on top of Harold, where he fell, the impressive Battle Abbey was built, started by William the Conqueror because he was so very sorry about all the slaughter. But not so sorry he gave England back.

After the Normans conquered England, the pope sanctioned them, on account of how much slaughtering had gone on.  So, being sanctioned, they were very sorry. Which is why William the Conqueror founded Battle Abbey, where the Battle of Hastings was. And when he did that, he gave the monks some special rights (mostly having to do with not being required to listen to the bishop), but they didn’t get written down, because nobody needed to; the king, after all, had said so.  But time moved on, and written culture became the thing, so the monks needed a charter to prove the things William said. So they made some. About seven of them. They were very nice looking forgeries, but nobody believed them. However! There was a forgery ring running out of Winchester Abbey. Really.  You can’t make this stuff up.

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45. The Sack of Constantinople, April 8-13, 1204

True to its time, this view of the Crusaders riding into Constantinople is energetic and romantic (it’s 1840, Eugène Ferdinand Victor Delacroix). But it doesn’t make the crusaders look heroic. They’re awful. That’s pretty accurate.

From the middle of the 5th century until 1204, Constantinople was the largest, the wealthiest, the most sophisticated, the most important city in Europe. Then the 4th Crusade, which had intended to go retake Jerusalem, went to the center of Eastern Christianity and besieged it, sacked it, crippled it, and destroyed — for at least 800 years — the relations between the Roman Christians and the Byzantine Christians.  None of this makes any sense, except that money was involved and people behaved badly. Michelle explains how Western scholarship has dealt with this major crime (it wasn’t until the 1950’s that it was described as a crime), and Anne explains the money.  Follow the money. 

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